Monday, April 27, 2015

A Long Time Coming...

So, I know it has been quite a while since my last post, but hey, life happens right? The holidays were insane, as usual. Family flew in from out of town, Brennan's first birthday was smashed in there somewhere. I had major "ish" go down at work and at home and I am trying to pick up the pieces. So I figured I would get on here and bug y'all a little bit.

***Warning*** Emotional stuff below!!

The main reason for my not being around over the past few months was due to the fact that I suffered a miscarriage. It was hard. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I went to the doctor due to some abnormal bleeding and got slapped in the face with the news. At first I was totally fine. Then about 3 days later it hit me hard. Before I lost all this weight I had serious fertility issues and I was told that I would never be able to have children without medical interventions. So Michael and I took the necessary steps to conceive Brennan. I never even thought that I could get pregnant on my own. So the thought that I had conceived a child without my even knowing it was unfathomable to me. Then to have lost it without knowing it existed was even harder to come to terms with. On Feb 3rd 2015 I lost my baby at 8 weeks and 3 days gestation. It has taken me a while to not cry every time I think about it. I know that I am not alone in what has happened to me, but I still feel like an island. I didn't reach out to friends or family, I only told my husband. I couldn't deal with the "I'm so sorry for your loss", and the "everything happens for a reason", and the "It will happen when it's meant to". So I kept it a secret. I hid the hurt from my husband, the disappointment on his face when I told him was enough to make me never want to mention it again. We arn't ready for another baby, hell, we can't afford another baby, but it still hurts immensely.

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Here is to hoping I continue to heal from this and get back on track with my life. I promise my next port will be much more lighthearted and hopefully entertaining. 

Much Love!

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